Days and nights seemed no different to me as I have been praying to Him, crushing and erasing my ego, the more, the stronger was the pain of disappointment. The despair haunted me, whispering in my back that I have lost it all, I shall never see my beloved one and shall never reach the heights he did.
Where should I lead my mind? I recalled a talk with my dearest Llava-vadu that we had back to the Cold City; sitting there on the dirty stairs between two floors he told me:
"-They do not know how much it costs to be a selfles smiler. Selfless, you see? I must give up my earthly misled Yah to open the gate for my perfect, divine self, Farva."
And then it happened, it occured to me that the reason why my poor vadu had been suffering failure, was that he had got it all wrong.
Destroying, denying, supressing his soul, he gained bitterness and disillusion, but never he had peace in his mind. My brother, you shared your kindness and you cared about me when I woud have never believed anyone could remember me. Let me tell you now : tortures can leave no wisdom in your mind, nor can they bring you to light.
No man can bear the pain we feel. But you must answer youself and be utterly honest: is getting rid of this pain what you desire? Or you cherish your suffering, making it last?
My most beloved brother, the way to be out of aching is to open your heart to it. Embrace the pain and let it in, let yourself sink in it, like a stone drowns in the sea, let it turn you into a waste desert, burnt and empty, dying for a drop of rain; it will make you scream and tear your hair, but you must swallow it all, and let it become you.
Once your soul is nothing but pain and you are empty like a clay jug, there's the time to fill it.
But how, you may ask me. Where the fluid of life would emerge from to heal you?
Think of what keeps us alive. Us, the six, what could keep bringing us together, through ages and worlds? desire? love? revenge?
It is up to you to find the source of your revivals inside your farva.
Now, do not ask me, just see what I saw, feel what I felt to understand what is that we need, what Ensa must have understood before: your Farva is you, there is no need to eliminate your memories or imprison yourself and isolate from the world to rech it, all you need is to accept all about what you are, face your farva, this is the Judgement Hour for you, what's the point in hiding?
Hide where? From what or whom?
How are you going to hide if the world around you is you and only you?
How can I hide when everything is me? The body that hides and the stone it hides behind is me, the eye of heaven watching the hiding body and the stone is me, and the road, the cities, the fire, the wheels rolling on the dust, those who are free and the miserable ones, the five beloved, my friends, all those who are dead and alive, my illusions, my memories, is all me. And yet, nothing is me, as becoming everything deprived me of myself, I am...and I do not exist.
I see you, my love, your heart is my heart, you are everywhere I go, wherever I turn my head, you are inside me and I am in you, we had never parted, didn't you notice?
And I stood in the middle of nowhere and in the centre of the universe, laughing my head off and turning around in the whirl of joy, like children do, with arms wide open and hands raised to the sun, the world spinning around me like a carousel.
No thoughts, no death, no aim, I was dancing and all my lives and the worlds I'd ever gone through, were running through my heart, and As I saw everyone who ever came onto my way, the heart filled with pain and compassion, to all I'd been, and the tears were running down my face as the prayer was born inside my soul:
mercy to all existing
forgiveness to all who repent
grace to all who is in the dark...
I was on my knees with my fingers knotted in a sign of devotion, the light overwhelming my head and chest, breaking through my boundaries, transforming into the words I was whispering.
...let anyone who seeks find the path
let those who are lost see the eternal light.
And as I said the last few words, the world around me trembled and shook with the sound of another song, the prayer that gave me back my life.
the eternal fire, create me every day,
rise me and grant me will,
and joy of life
And peace to my mind
Do not forsake me...
Then, there came the voice, the one I would never mistake, saying it along with me:
into the pure flame return me.
I knew I wasn't dreaming.
He stood in front of me, alive and immortal, unbelievably real, as if I had never had lost him.
Our eyes met, and then... I became myself again, I realised what am I.
sharp beams flashing through my mind
shivers down the spine and heavy stone inside my chest
my heart felt like a drum being smashed by unstoppable hands of a mad drummer
then I couldn't help myself but fell in front of him on the ground and hugged his legs, crying, smiling, kissing his hands and feet, as the world stopped existing again.